Patricia Kaas’s chansons are aural foreplays

Mon Dieu! Quelle nuit! Quelle femme! Yeah, it was difficult to control one’s hormones-rebellion and we are talking taste-ones, too. The French national treasure’s London date presented us with songs from her first English-sung album, ‘Piano Bar’, and it is a song from it that opens the evening, ‘And Now... Ladies & Gentlemen’. It is the title also of a Claude Lelouch’s film she stars in with our own sexpot Jeremy Irons…

When Ms Kaas addresses the audience, politely settled dow, she enquires if we speak French but the resounding ‘Oui’ is waved off with her resolve to parlez English. And if she makes any mistakes, being “wrong is normal,” the blonde bombshell claims and we can’t but agree. Her language is not perfect but she does a great job, actually much better than our Deputy PM, John Prescott! With a touch of cold, she picked up while touring Far East, her speaking voice sounds hoarse and, combined with that accent, one is facing extra dozes of sex-appeal.

Dressed in a low-slung top and a pair of leather trooz, she exudes more sexuality than Britney and Aguilera if they were au naturel onstage! Erroneously dubbed ‘French Madonna’ (lazy media-colleagues) and tipped to make her global mark in the vein of Celine Dion, Kaas is more in the tradition of great female singer-characters, like Marlene Dietrich, Edith Piaf, Juliette Greco and, even, Diana Krall. If Madonna reference is in regard to her sales, Kaas’s global tally stands at 15 million (without cracking UK and US markets), then it is concur-able although she does for chansons what Ute Lemper has been doing for Berlin cabaret songs for a number of years.

Explaining that this show is all about type of songs only French can truly create, each section of the programme is dedicated to a different ‘topic’, such as the opening one paying tribute to soundtrack tunes: the first track is ‘Un Homme Et Une Femme’ from the 1960s Lelouch’s flick and she delivers it in a manner to make this reviewer turn into a jelly before settling. Her interpretations are just perfect way of proving that chansons function primarily as aural foreplays. It certainly makes one glad to be a Europhile, culture-wise, nought else.

The décor is simple, recalling a garden of a café with few replicas of French street-furniture and a piano-shaped divan (red, naturellement) which she uses to perform few songs from and dance on during a funky instrumental after changing into a skirt (minimal-front train’d-back) to expose kicking legs Elle ‘The Body’ would be envious of. The dance, as most of her moves, is unchoreographed, just naturally sensual motions in response to beat-calls. Backed by a six-piece band, they can be as quiet as an acoustic twosome and as full as an orchestra. Kaas leads them effortlessly into composition with sudden breaks and bridges that can be samba, Mexicana, jazz, soul, disco…

‘Piano Bar’ is a sort of ‘Greatest Chansons’ that include Gilbert Becaud’s ‘Et Maintenant (What Now My Love)’, Charles Aznavour’s ‘Yesterday When I Was Young (Hier Encore)’, Jacques Brel’s ‘If You Go Away (Ne Me Quitte Pas)’, ‘Les Moulins De Mon Couer (The Windmills Of My Mind)’… One of the two keyboardists triggers samples of Piaf and even Louis Armstrong during a ‘duet’ on the Satchmo’s ‘C’est Si Bon’ (Maurice Chevalier was responsible for another great version, methinks).

Kaas brought a little corner of Pigalle into d’Empire – which is more or less like staging a country gig in Brooklyn’s Flatbush – to deliver a knockturnal blow. These songs certainly have vespertine air about them and are so charged that one goes through a packet of extra-strong mints in an attempt to stymie emo-system’s overloading with melodies deeply romantic, dramatic, laconic, torchy, jiggly, fun! Kaas also loves her jazz and very often it feels like being in a smoky dive during the Prohibition in the USA, a thought brought on by an anomaly…

… It being no drinks served during performance! ‘Piano Bar’, music that captures spirit of bistros and cafés, day-to-day philosophical discourses, the essence of French existence – and no booze? Well, it’s all to do with paying respect and if only people would switch off the damn mobiles! (No world will stop if one’s not connected for 100+ minutes!) Anyway, not even such inconsideration by ignoramuses could spoil the enjoyment of the evening that was full of great songs and a show that included her descending into stalls and belting another complexly arranged song without once going for vocal-acrobatics like Dion or Carey and yet being as powerful.

Still, it wasn’t all-perfect and she included a few rock-snippets that were utterly inappropriate as well as a portion of ‘Je t’Aime (Moi No Plus)’ – alongside her percussionist – but luckily segued away before the ‘simulated orgasm’ bit. Otherwise, it was ‘Mademoiselle Chante le Blues’ (title of her debut 1987 album), le jazz, le pop, le Las Vegas, les touts!

This 35-year-old chanteuse fatale is trés chic, erotique et magnifique! On the way back to the car I had to buy another pack of extra-strong mints and a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau… And yet my taste buds still feel like shot-to-pieces!