Kylie-Britney: cat-fight? Hardly...

The signals have been confusing but the cat fight is on… Not for real but on the market. We are talking about mature sex-appeal versus rookie sex-exploits, a Madonna-sound like [for ‘Slow’, let’s not delude ourselves, the Material Mum should get songwriting co-credit] against the Mrs Ritchie’s MTV kiss-partner: Kylie Minogue vs. Britney Spears.

The albums by two ladies are released at the same time and the match-up in the commercial/celebrity death ring is on. Alas, just the marketing departments and not the real fisticuffs. In one corner is ‘no-more-sexy-dressing’ Australian featherweight, 5’2’’, 100 pounds*, 6 knockouts and two losses, Ms Minogue! In the opposite corner, 21-year-old American, ‘minimal-is-maximal-attire’, 5’4’’, weighing 110* pounds, with one career knockout, one draw and one technical loss, Ms Spears.

Let’s look at some details. Kylie’s nine studio album ‘Body Language’ was an opportunity for the singer to voice her concern and express embarrassment, in Der Spiegel (German magazine) interview about watching music videos that go too far.

“When I see some of these Hip-Hop videos I’m as horrified as my grandmother and think ‘Oh God, what gross things are they doing there?’ In advertising and on lifestyle magazines you see more and more of a pornographing of pop culture.”

Well, most people realise sex-sells-everything the moment they can focus on a TV-set. Ms Minogue, famous for wearing skimpy outfits in most of her recent videos, said her image was comparatively harmless.

“That I once wore something very tight and short pants is nothing compared to a lot of things you see today,” she argued, before adding that her latest video for ‘Slow’ had her attentions turned away from making a raunchy video.

“It’s a big step backwards,” she said. “I’m just lying there and not doing anything exciting... My ideal of eroticism is more Brigitte Bardot.” [Ours too, esp. in ‘And God Created Woman’!]

Well, that’s her official line while, at almost the same time, it was published that, what many have suspected all along, now is a scientific fact - Kylie really does have the perfect bottom. And, it is all down to her waist-to-hips ratio of 0.7, according to scientists who have spent years studying her form. [Was this just a boffin undertaking?]

The curve of a woman’s waist and hips is attractive to men if the waist measures exactly seven-tenths of the bottom. Not only is it a sexual attraction but it also represents the most suitable body for reproduction. Of course, some men prefer their female derrieres to be more Jennifer Lopez than Kylie. But, according to Professor John Manning, from the University of Central Lancashire, Kylie’s is just right.

“The bottom is a general sign of a woman’s level of sex hormones in her body and her general health,” the Prof. added. “It’s her fat that is the key. Women tend to lay down fat on their bottom and tights, which forms a reserve for pregnancy, hence the reason men are subconsciously attracted to this shape. It’s clear sign the female can reproduce.”

Unfortunately, Kylie is set on keeping her shapes covered until the bedroom in an attempt to become - mum. She should look at the other star-mum, Madonna, she’s lost her lustre and looks more like a middle-aged mother of two she is actually. Maddy’s lip-sparring partner, Britney Spears, knows better or is more desperate: “I feel comfortable in my skin. I think it’s okay thing to express yourself and be the way you want to be,” she confined to Diane Sawyer of ABC Network.

“A lot of people think these covers are over-exposed.” Britney commented on her recent raunchy poses to the Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour. “I think it is positive thing to express yourself in a positive light.”

“I want to move away from the flesh thing that’s everywhere now,” Kylie counters.

The 21-year-old knows that pop is all fine but males prefer sex parts on display that fuel fantasies of bonk. The fact is that a week after landing on the top of singles chart and despite playing a well-publicised ‘Money Can’t Buy’ [broadcast on ITV1 on 22 Nov.] event, ‘Slow’ dropped to the foruth placing in the Britons’ favour; Britney, augmented by Madonna, has seen ‘Me Against The Music’ landed in at #2. So, who’s the winner of this ‘war of roses’? There is always only one winner - the record companies. It’s all about sales, sales, sales!

The confrontation is good for music business. In 1995 the stagnant singles market was stirred by the ‘Battle of BritPop’ between Blur and Oasis; both camps decided to release their respective [and not particularly good] singles, ‘Country House’ and ‘Roll With It’, on the same day. In 2000 Sophie Ellis-Bextor-fronted Spiller’s ‘Groovejet’ was pitched against Victoria Beckham’s probable life-time chance of reaching the top with her single.

Will the nation be divided between the [since Saturday’s show] Queen of Pop and her young pretender? Well, less than debate over Ready Salted vs. Salt’n’Vinegar crisps, wethinks. Both women are striving to prove that there is more depth to their music, unashamedly using sex to grab attention… Two moments from 2003 are already written into the pop history and both belong to these two babes.

One was Kylie gyrating her booty upon the [lustily] squeezing hands of Justin Timberlake at this year’s Brits ceremony whilst Britney and Madonna’s lip-lock is the other one. Interestingly, Just figures in both episodes, being Britney’s ex and the one who dealt with her virginity. She recently broke down over him and started to talk about his (lack of) ‘size’... Britters, there’s nothing worse than a deflowered woman scorned. [She looks so perfectly bedroom-shaped - Christina Aguilera can bitch about her as much as she wants but she hasn’t got it however much he undresses! - one wonders if she ever embarks on a nose-mining operation?]

In spite of readiness to exploit sexuality for sales and column inches, the two are now vying for recognition as serious artists/creditable and credible co/songwriters. In Britney’s case it is most of the tracks, in Kylie’s - several. There is more to their talents, then. But, both owe a lot to Madonna: ‘Body Language’’s lead-in single is a pure ‘Vogue’ re-working; Maddy not only guests on Brit’s opening track/single ‘Me Against The Music’ but it is the ghost of pre-Mrs Ritchie’s past that domes ‘In The Zone’.

Spears’s record is instant and within six tracks it feels like an old friend; Kylie’s take time and will be more rewarding in a long run. Britney peddles open sexual desire, Kylie is all grown-up and seductive but promises stories of 1000 nights of fictitious sex.

The choice is yours: Kylie or Britney? Or - The F**king Champs’ ‘Greatest Hits’! [See Reviews.]

Kylie - 7/10

Britney - 6/10
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*
These are guesses and we apologise if we are off scale.